Let’s Talk About Sex(uality)

Why Your Identity Doesn't Have to Be Stagnant

I am writing this to clear something up. I am not necessarily doing it to clear it up for you; I am clearing it up for me. Out loud. In public. In full view. It’s how I do things. When you look at my process in this way, it might—just might—subliminally give you "permission" to be you. That’s what it’s all about. Being the real, true, authentic, beautiful you.

Let’s Talk About Sex

I’m gay. I am not gay. I am more bisexual. Often, I am somewhere in between these sexual expressions. I watch gay porn, straight porn, bisexual porn, trans porn… most of it, actually. I sometimes am all about the cock. I then am rampant for vaginas, and often I just love gender-bending transsexuals who break the norms of society and look hot in leather.

I, from the outside, might look confused.

I will tell you why: when I am "in" each mode/feeling/expression, I might refer to myself as "gay," "bi," or "a bit of everything." The reason for this is that when I am "in" the mode/feeling/expression—I genuinely feel that orientation in that moment. It is only ever confused if I:

●     Attach my entire identity to that expression.

●     Pay too much attention to other people’s attachment to my apparent identity.

And here we come to the reason for this month’s column—to give you permission to be who you are, in each moment. Straight but sometimes think of your own gender’s genitals when masturbating? Gay but suddenly found yourself getting turned on by the opposite sex?

It doesn’t fucking matter, my friend. What matters is how you treat yourself, and what matters is how aware you are of how others' perception of you has shaped your self-identity.

Let's talk about sex as a business (yes, really... it's where a lot of my hands-off real-world expertise comes from).

The Spectrum of the Business

Once upon a time, as you will know if you are familiar with my work, I was a hooker. I worked as a high-class escort, sexual massage therapist, and rent boy. These different roles within the industry are at different "levels," if you like. I am not saying any is better than the other and, in real terms—it’s really just about marketing—but I am sharing this with you because it represents radically different experiences within the same industry. It was the same title, really: "sex worker," but each one gave me a different level, a depth, of experience within the overall experience.

I translate this mammoth real-world experience into my sex coaching work. Many sex workers have an innate ability to find diverse types of people sexually attractive. Even though I predominantly worked with male clients, I also saw women, trans women, and trans men, along with non-binary and everything in between. As human beings, we have personalities that are so often changeable that they could be seen as on a spectrum. I see sexuality, for all of us, as also on a spectrum. Mine changes with the weather. Even my usual presentation of "camp, feminine" can change and my voice can spontaneously deepen.

This is only ever a problem for me if I judge it or attach unhealthily to the camp persona that is my more common presentation. It is also only a problem if I react/conform to others' discomfort with my more masculine side. Most of my friends prefer me to be "feminine" and camp; it is more entertaining for them. But my energy changes often and sometimes, especially when I am working, I can be very serious and more masculine, in the traditional sense. I am not saying you need to be this changeable; I am saying if I can be confident that my presentation, sexuality, preferences, and persona can be this fluid (the key word!)—so can you.

The Art of Moving Fluid

Now I can name it. Gender-fluid is a term and I guess better known than sexual-fluid or orientation-fluid. But this is really what I am referring to. It moves, morphs, changes, adapts, and evolves. As I have gotten older in years, my sexual orientation has, I feel, returned more to its base state. I feel more "me" when I am not particularly anything and very much something when in that moment. When I am at a sex party with men, my masculine, overtly sexual, "out there" kink comes out. In that moment, I probably wouldn’t appreciate or be particularly turned on if a naked woman suddenly appeared. That’s a different me.

When my fluid state moves, morphs, and evolves, and I am invited to a mixed-sex party—that specific "me" will appear and I will be more subdued, modest (yes, really) and more in the background, waiting to be invited so that the female doesn't feel overwhelmed or overpowered.

That’s how I do sexual fluidity. How is it for you?

I do not take the lead in this morphing and evolution, I might add; I follow the lead of my sexual energy. Hence why it is so fluid and hence why so many outside of me can get very confused as to who I am.

I think as a society we are pretty much indoctrinated into being stagnant and stuck. That’s a whole other conversation, but so far as sexuality and sex are concerned—let’s not do that.

Let’s be free, fluid, morphing, evolving: it’s much more fun.

With much love,

The London Sex Coach (article written by a human) xx